Twice as bright, half as long

I'm sure you've all heard of speed dating. I’m not sure it necessarily helps you find Prince Charming, but it’s fast and efficient. Like interviewing a few hundred frogs in one evening to see if there’s any you’d like to kiss, without all that risk of warts. Or is it?

Have we gone far enough? Could we grow the notion of speed dating, but stick to the timing.  In our world of 30 second sound bites… wait – scratch that – 5 second sound bites (sorry I got bored)… apps screaming for attention, red badges on the screen, reality TV and the catastrophisation of everything, who has time for a second date on a second evening? It’s laughable! What about speed relationships?

By all means start with eyes-across-a-crowded-dance-floor, but from there, why not pack a whole relationship into just one evening. Kissing under the mirror ball, proposal in the queue for the bar, consummate it in the toilets, dance for a magic hour or two until the attraction starts to flag, have an affair (also under the mirrorball while he has one in the dark corner next to the cloakroom, which he will later deny even though the evidence is all over Instagram), accuse each other of cheating, make up, both kiss someone else again, have the stand up argument and then get divorced before you’ve even left the club... with on-the-spot counselling provided by Rihanna and Beyoncé (or if you’re at Palms, Whitney and Michael). You don’t even have to delete your Grindr and Scruff profiles or argue about who's on which side of the bed. Since you haven’t had time to add them as a Facebook friend there’s no awkward issues about unfriending them later that morning. So much more efficient.

You think I’m joking? I wish. Actually my record for this kind of a relationship is just three hours. It makes the whole experience so much more intense and without inconvenient things like children and property to divide when it inevitably goes south. Some 'speed exes' may still feel the need to glare at you if your paths cross again, even when it was him that broke it off, but this normally passes in a week or so.“The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long”, says Dr Eldon Tyrell in the film Blade Runner. And you can burn “so very brightly” in just three hours. 

Yesterday I cooked Osso Bucco, an Italian stew of beef shins and vegetables. Three hours into it and the beef was looking, well, tough. It had more in common with shoe leather than with something edible let alone tasty. But I held the line. The simmer at the tiniest of bubblings. Another five hours staying the course. An outrageous, old-fashioned, act of faith. And then something magic happened. Everything relaxed. Everything melted together. And it was good. Better than good. It was delicious.

By all means ask me out on a speed relationship. But just remember you can't divorce me until you've actually married me. And don’t even think about dating me unless you’ve known me for six months. If you have no idea who I am, what makes you think you’d want to have a relationship with me? First things first. Seriously!

Swedish Crapture

Have you ever heard of Norrmalmstorgssyndromet. No? I’m not surprised. Coined by the criminologist and psychiatrist Nils Bejerot, it is named after the robbery of Kreditbanken at Norrmalmstorg, Sweden August 1973 in which several bank employees were held hostage for four days in a bank vault while their captors negotiated with police. But you might know it by its anglicised name: Stockholm Syndrome.

Stockholm syndrome is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy, sympathy and positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with them. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness.

During the Norrmalmstorg standoff, the victims became emotionally attached to their captors, rejected assistance from government officials at one point, and even defended their captors after they were freed from their six-day ordeal.

Have you ever been held against your will? Perhaps with a mortgage, or waiting for that rental agreement to end. Was it on an overseas holiday that had a lot more baggage than there seemed to be on the airport carousel and in the overhead locker. Maybe it was the long, long wait for permanent residency. Maybe it was just the long wait for him to become emotionally available.

I wonder if Norrmalmstorgssyndromet explains all longer-term human relationships. There’s the initial honeymoon, the swoon, head over heels. And then, before you know it, there you are defending the indefensible, supporting the outrageous. Even craving it. Now, heels over head, the slightest kindness and you go to pieces.

Why do people stay together when they so often behave so badly to each other. Also called capture-bonding, Stockholm syndrome does not necessarily require a hostage scenario: It can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which describes strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, mistreats, or intimidates the other.

When you think about it, it’s not a very big change between rapture and capture. Six days was it? I guess I’ll let you know if I ever find myself in such a long-term relationship.

The Blessing of the Werewolf

Do you remember the scene in... well I was going to suggest a specific werewolf movie, but it's all of them really.  The werewolf, back in human form, waking up naked in the cold morning light. Unsure exactly where he is. Maybe the taste of last night sill in his mouth. Possibly a few scratches or bite marks. Torn clothing discarded. The quintessential version for me is from American Werewolf in London, waking up in the cage at the London zoo, but there are as many different versions as there are full moons. I suspect you've all done it. 

At some point, possibly after a beautifully prepared meal, some fine wines and an evening of stimulating conversation, possibly just seconds after he walks in the room, there it is. The unmistakable increase in body heat, the rising of blood. As though the full moon had suddenly uncloaked itself then and there in the room with you, its gravity demanding your swoon and fall. And there it is. The animal. The werewolf. 

Who can say what happened next. There are vague memories of unclear shapes, shredded clothing, the smell of sweat and other fluids, echoes of growls and animalistic gruntings. The flush of all consuming life still coursing through your body. Heart still beating fast, lungs still heaving. Then eyes rolling slowly back into the now, and there you are, in birds-eye view at first, out of body but returning. Naked, clothes strewn who-knows-where. The ersatz crime scene. Perhaps you are at the London Zoo, perhaps the kitchen floor or the dining room table. And so is he. Do you even recognise him? Do you even recognise yourself?

The moon has set. The present washes back in. Clothes are found, socks pulled on, ties and belts tightened. Plausible deniability. Perhaps there is a cheeky grin, perhaps a shudder. Maybe even a phone number. The door closes behind him, and still you are left wondering what strange power had possessed you. Safe now, for a moment, from the curse. And you laugh. Partly because the whole act is so ridiculous; partly from the divine release of tension; and partly to mask the fear of knowing that you will transform again, in the blink of an eye, the second the opportunity arises.

Clinical lycanthropy is a rare psychiatric syndrome. Its name is connected to the mythical condition of lycanthropy, a supernatural affliction in which humans are said to physically shapeshift into wolves. Affected individuals report a delusional belief that they are in the process of transforming into an animal or have already transformed into an animal. It has been linked with the altered states of mind that accompany psychosis with the transformation only seeming to happen in the mind and behaviour of the affected person. And maybe the mind of their partner/trade as well. I wonder is it really that rare, or is it actually very widespread but very short lived?

Do straight men feel the same. Maybe they have had it bred out of them, like pedigree dogs that howl at the moon without knowing why. Is it a blessing or a curse? Could you even tell the difference?