Instructions for Bear Dancing - Part 3

If you've mastered standing still in time and jack-hammering then you're well on the way to bear dancing like a pro, and ready for more...

Rule 3: Bear necessities are bare necessities      

   

Architect Ludwig Mies van der Rohe adopted the motto ‘Less is more’ to describe his minimalist aesthetic of enlisting every design element to serve multiple visual and functional purposes. With many bears tending towards the ‘more’ rather than the ‘less’ this is absolutely applicable to bear dancing.  Like any masterwork of architecture, you've probably built your body as a shrine to...  the gym? ...tattoos? ...beer and chips?  You've invested a lot of time and effort growing muscles under your belly not to mention under the hair on your back. This is an opportunity to show off your hard work, whilst at the same time dealing with the increasingly unbearable heat on the crowded dance-floor. But don’t jump the gun.  Wait for the magical flash-mob moment about two hours in when, without warning, it’s suddenly ‘shirts-off!’ and join in the wave of literal ‘less-is-more’. 

The Perfect Man

So on the way out of the Oxford a few Furry Friday’s ago, crossing the road to get a cab home, I lock eyes with a very handsome guy. Like, wow! He’s walking with his mate, but three beats later there's the look back and the continued gaze across the traffic. Eyes locked. One of those eight-lanes-of-traffic-crossing looks. I hesitated… should I semaphore a mobile number? Should I run back? Should I see if he will run back? But I had to get in the cab: it was late, I was tired, my place wasn't free and worse, the babysitting meter was still running at home. 

Did I have to get in the cab? I guess not. So why did I? I've thought long and hard about this. I think the real reason I didn't run back is that all I could think was, "it doesn't get any better than this". In that moment he was the PERFECT man. No, really. PERFECT. I didn't have to learn about his issues, or his baggage, meet his parents, share the couch with him or the remote, deal with his ex, his protestations of monogamy, or any of that plethora of other stuff that just gums up relationships. For that exquisite moment he was perfect, absolutely perfect.

Why would I think such a thing? Have I really given up, and not in a cool “all attachment is pain” Zen kind of way? 

I’m currently blaming Disney. Sure I cried in Kung Fu Panda (“I’m not A big fat panda, I’m THE big fat panda”), and Brother Bear (c'mon – three brothers in the wilderness, and bears!), and I thought Aladdin was a hottie (even though some may say I had more in common with Princess Jasmin). Has Disney been setting me up to fail every time? Apart from creating more orphans than the entire second world war (do any of them have two parents?) they've trained me to expect happy-every-after, but not what I need to do when happy-ever-after starts. The training for that part seems to be having a stretch, shaking off the popcorn, taking off your 3D glasses and emerging into the daylight blinking and into a life that seems, well, ordinary. Then again maybe that’s exactly the right training. If you've taken off the glasses and there’s no more popcorn and he’s still there, that’s a good sign. And if he looks even slightly more than ordinary he’s possibly a keeper. 

Anime rocks! Even mainstream American anime. 

Oh, and to the perfect guy whose face could launch a thousand ships, you know who you are. Call me!

Instructions for Bear Dancing - Part 1

Bear dance parties are some of the best. But they can be confronting to the uninitiated.  Some simple rules will help you get started. Variations are included for those up to a challenge.

Rule 1: Under no circumstances are you to move your feet

VicBears defines ‘Bear’ as “a gay man with a ‘masculine, down-to-earth attitude’ – not as a particular body type or ‘look’”. What better way to demonstrate your down-to-earthedness, than by keeping both feet firmly rooted in the ground? Shuffling your weight between your feet is, of course, acceptable. Dance parties are the long haul flights of social interaction and if you didn't move your legs around you’d be bound to get deep vein thrombosis. There’s also no doubt that shifting your weight between your feet is essential if you've gone for the tradie look including work boots, because, let’s face it, they weren't designed for arabesques. Perhaps the nirvana of bear dancing is, in the words of Madonna, to be “standing still in time”.

Variation: A turn about the room

For the experienced bear dancer, can I persuade you to attempt, from time to time, a clockwise shuffle completing a full rotation over a minute or so? Like Pride and Prejudice’s Elizabeth Bennet you too can find yourself assured “it is very refreshing after sitting so long in one attitude” to “take a turn about the room”.  A military operation rather than a slow pirouette, this controlled rotation is all about reconnaissance. Any Darcy’s?  But let me remind you whilst turning, Rule 1 still applies.

Happy bear dancing.

Instructions for Bear Dancing - Part 2

As I've mentioned before, I love a good bear dance party. And with Bear Pit at the Imperial only a week and a bit away, below are more tips for the uninitiated...

Rule 2: Under no circumstances are you to raise your hands above your shoulders.

We’ve all heard everyone from Taio Cruz to Kylie imploring you to raise your hands up. Like Usher, I too sometimes throw my hand up in the air and say, "ay-yo" (not like a Telly Tubbie). But these activities are not appropriate while bear dancing. Bear dancing is all about defensible space. Paws are to be closed like fists, and marched in a cross between shadow boxing and chest beating.  Think the Duracell bunny without the drum. Jazz hands are right out! Besides, with the average bear paw way heavier than the average hand, rotator cuffs simply can’t cope.  Keep it below the shoulder. Bears don’t need an index finger to make their point.

Variation: Jail-breaking / jack-hammering

For the experienced bear dancer, lower your fists to your thighs and lean back.  Like your arms are thick, hairy jail bars. Now tilt your shoulders in turn like your chest is trying unsuccessfully to wriggle through the bars and escape.  Or like you’re a hot tradie holding a wobbly jackhammer. Congratulations, you've mastered the variation known as jail-breaking or jack-hammering  It’s all about keeping that chest hair and ample musculature under control. This is perhaps also why so many bears choose to wear a leather harness while dancing. When you've that much hair, letting your hair down takes on a whole new meaning. Under control means stayin' alive.

Where are the odds?

I was talking with my goldilocks the other day and she was bemoaning the lack of men in Sydney for her long single straight girlfriend. That got me thinking about the potential for keepers out there for me. How many available gay men are there out in Sydney?

Now writing about statistics in the gay world is about as challenging as talking to flamingos about algebra, but see if you can bear with me. Nearly four and a half million people live in greater Sydney, slightly under half (49%) are men – 2,162,221 according to the 2011 census. How many are gay? Sydney probably draws a few extras from across Australia so let’s be optimistic and say it’s one in ten. That means there are around 200,000 gay men in Sydney. Wow… that’s a lot more than are out on Oxford Street on any night. Where are the rest of them? Are they living quiet suburban lives a long way from the scene? But I digress.

But what about men close to my age? The census says there are around 300,000 men between 25 and 35 (333,000), or 35 and 45 (319,000), or 45 and 55 (292,000). So if we’re going with 10% gay, then about 30,000 gay men in Sydney are within 5 years of your age. Still with me?

Now the census doesn’t have reliable data about how many gay relationships there are so we have to make a few guesses about how many are single. In 2011, 40%, of men said that they were not married or in a defacto relationship. Let’s work with that. That would suggest 12,000 gay men within 5 years of your age are single. It doesn’t say if they’re looking, but so far so good: that’s heaps!

Of course you may subscribe to the belief that there’s just “the one” out there for you. I think there’s probably a few more than just one. I REALLY hope so. Think about it. How many men do you meet before one makes you think “…maybe”? How many friends of friends, tradies, waiters, flight attendants, bears, twinks, wrestlers would you meet before one of them makes you say, “WOW!”? What if you only click with one guy in every hundred? That means of the twelve thousand gay men in Sydney, 120 will be close to your age, currently unattached AND push your buttons. If you’re fussy, and you only like one in every 200, then there are only 60. In all of Sydney. Just 60. Hopefully one of them will like you back. How to find him, that’s another question entirely. Better get looking.

Or I guess you could always go the Northern Territory. With its mining industry and military bases, the Territory boasts one of the nation’s highest proportion of men at 51.6%. Now I love the NT, but as a friend of mine recently returned suggested to me “the odds are good, but the goods are odd”. Happy hunting!